At the end of my senior year of high school, I had a plan. That plan consisted of get through college as fast as I can, then move to Nicaragua for the rest of my life. Logical, right? Silly me, I did not think about all of the in-between; the people I would meet, the children I would serve, the information I would learn, and the opportunities that would be presented in front of me. I did not think through all the little things, because all the little things in my last year of high school blew up in my face, so I decided that I would forget about people and life as I knew it and pick up and leave. I can now hear God laughing in my face. Thinking, really? You think I am going to let you go do My work without first working on you. I constantly tried to bury all of my worries and pains into a world miles and miles away. Yes, God helped me do some amazing work there over the last couple of years, but I have come to realize He was not pleased with every aspect of my life.
Now we are in my first semester at Grace college. As I started life here, I thought man, these people are pretty cool, I am learning so much about what I could be doing for people here, I became connected to the local elementary... but wait. This was not suppose to happen. I now find that I am angry at God for making me realize that America isn't half that bad, that just because my life felt like it fell apart in the entire last year, does not mean that Grace is going to be the same. As my year progressed, I felt a gradual pull away from full-times mission in Nicaragua. During my intercultural ministry class, I realized that I was not even nearly equipped to go and work for God. Not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Man, was I mad at God. Not just mad, furious. How could he do this to me? How could He put a passion in my heart and then simply tear it away, just like a bandaid. When I say furious, I mean that I stopped talking to Him. I would pray my short prayers at the end of the day, blessing my family and friends, but I would then block Him out with any distractions I could find. I knew that if I wanted to settle what was unsolved in my heart, I would have to eventually have to face Him... but how could I do that now? When I was ignoring Him for what felt like the longest time. Well, let me tell you, Grace was the right choice for me, because God provides those people that poke at you to grow closer to Him.
That week at growth groups, our leader challenged us to have personal time with God. Seriously? If you know me, you know that I do not like to disappoint others, therefore I felt like I had to do it. Well crap. I knew I would not do it on my own soon, because every time I headed towards the place that I have my quiet time, I felt like I was going to get sick. I was worried. I was mad. I texted Brennan and asked him to help me make myself go. Eventually, with pushing from every side, I went back to God, angry but listening, even though I knew I wouldn't like what he was going to say.
As soon as I started praying, I was bawling. Tears were streaming down my face, I did not know what to do. In that moment, I came to the realization that God's place for me in the present is not in Nicaragua, but right were he placed me. It's crazy to see how God truly intertwines in your life. In that moment, he told me to be patient- my plan was not ready to go into action. There was to much that I was trying to plow through to get to where I wanted to be.
God has not stopped talking to me throughout this whole process, and this was at the beginning of January. Continually God has put people and information in my life to constantly remind me that I need to enjoy the middle ground, even if it is not what I see as "ideal." Not only this, but he has showed me that I need to work on me, be a little bit selfish, before anything else.
I am not quite sure why I wrote this or if it will effect anyone, but I had to write it for some reason. It is amazing to see God working through my life when I least expect it through the circumstances he presents to me. There is much more that I have learned here at school and more to say, but for now, to whoever is reading, please remember to enjoy the in-betweens in life. For me, this is the hardest part, but I have come to see that it is more than worth it.
