Get too attached

I have always thought I was too emotional. Every one I met, person or animal, was someone I instantly cared for and wanted to protect. No matter what they did or who they were, I felt that I had a duty to love and protect them. Now, this was true for all people, but especially the outliers. The ones no one else cared about, the ones that were longing for a friend, for someone to say "I see you." Maybe that's how I got into social work in the first place. Everyone has their story and although I thought mine did not start until high school, as I reflect back on my life, I see that I've always wanted to be the one to be in the middle of the hard stuff. To listen when things got tough, not walk away. And maybe, maybe that's why I was pushed into a field I frankly knew nothing about. Maybe that was why social work came to me.

Now, that was a lot of talking with no explanation. Let's start with this week. This week was one of the hardest weeks since getting involved in the social work field. Last August, I started my masters program at IUPUI and have been pretty quiet about school since then. I have not posted on this blog in a while, and that's not only because I've been constantly busy. But, because I have had so much to say, that it felt like too much to write in a simple blog post. But, this week has led me to sit here, on my computer on a way too hot day in September, after a long week and lots of tears, to tell all of you why social work is so important and why three little words I saw one day on Instagram written by a foster momma, Manda Carpenter, have changed my life.

My first semester of grad school led me to believe that I was in the wrong field. I was surrounded by people who knew more about the field, about the policies, and felt more passionate and had more experiences in this field than me. Not to mention the complete culture shock I went through coming from a small, conservative Christian college in the middle of nowhere Northern Indiana to a large, liberal university in the middle of a large city. I came home weekly asking Brennan if I could quit yet, wondering why in the world I was trying to earn this degree.

Thank goodness Brennan told me no. Brennan told me "wait". He told me "things will get better, just wait till you start your practicum."

Now, I knew I could not quit. So I waited. And waited. And finally, I got an email telling me that I had an interview for a practicum at a group home for teen moms and their babies.

Yup. Teenagers. My literal worst nightmare. God was truly putting me to the test here. Not only did I not feel like I belonged in this program, with all of these people who were vastly different from me, but now He was throwing me to the scariest population that I have always refused to work with-high schoolers. The only thing that motivated me to go to this interview was that there would be babies and toddlers at the group home.

So, I went to the interview. And I felt like I totally bombed it. I knew nothing that the interviewer was asking me. I did not understand many of her questions and felt like I had a lot to learn if she was willing to take me under her wing.

And let me tell you, I was so grateful she said yes to me.

The first day I was to go to this group home, I was terrified. I had this image built up in my head about what these girls would be like, how they would act, and that they would destroy me. Again, teenagers terrified me. So, just like every time a problem arises, I called my mom. My mom told me that she knows I am scared, but that I was placed here for a reason. God led me to this tiny group home because I am met to be there. I am met to meet these girls and I will impact their lives and my life will be impacted because of my time with them. And man, was she right.

The first day I stepped foot into this group home, I was terrified. And now? Now, I am working there. I am a care coordinator and I get to spend two-three nights of my week with teenagers and their babies. I get to spend my time loving, caring for, and shaping these young girls into mothers and their babies into toddlers. But, more importantly, I get to love those that don't know what love is. I get to show them unconditional love and care. This week, we had an incident that resulting in many tears and a heavy heart. An incident that shook me and made me realize what those three words I saw on Instagram truly meant. "Get too attached" means to love individuals unconditionally, even when they cannot give back. To love them and invest time, emotion, and frustration into caring for and shaping them to be the best version of themselves they can be. To care for them and show them that, although they have faced a lot of crap from this world, there is somebody who is here to support and love them in a caring way.

Getting too attached is not just a saying that was made to be a hashtag on Instagram by someone wanting to get attention. Getting too attached is a lifestyle that Manda Carpenter put out in the world to challenge individuals to love on and care for kids in the Foster Care System.

And I am here to say that I will choose this lifestyle over and over again. I will choose to get too attached, even if that means I come home with a broken heart after a late night. I will choose to get too attached, even if that means I get nothing in return for the love I give. I will choose to get too attached, no matter how many mistakes they make. I will choose to get too attached, even if they get angry, cuss, and yell. I will choose to get too attached, despite the behavioral problems, the tears, the broken relationships, and the trauma that is attached to children in the system. I will choose, over and over again, to love the least of these. To care for the ones who need it most. And to do this for the glory of God. And that is why He led me to social work. That is why He led me to work not only in a group home, but as an intern in an elementary school. He led me to these people, these students, these residents, to show me that His love is never-ending and to be an example of an unconditional, getting too attached, kind of love.

No thanks, Romania

The week before our GoEncounter trips, I looked at Brennan and said "I don't want to go."

I didn't want to go to another foreign country and fall in love.

I didn't want to meet a whole new group of kids and give them my heart.

I didn't know if I could leave another piece of my heart somewhere else.

Honestly, I wanted to go to Nicaragua. 

I didn't want to speak Romanian, I didn't want to be in a different place, outside of my comfort zone. I wanted to be with pastor Earl and his wife, with my family. 

Then, I asked God for my light. And let me tell you, He provided. 

Anna

God provided me Anna, who is a stubborn, loving, independent fourteen year old women. She loves to smile and serve others, she loves to be the change and make an impact. She makes a mark on all those she's with. For this trip, she was my light, my stable individual, and my twin. She provided me with the calmness I needed for this trip and allowed me to be courageous. Her and I bonded immediately. I don't know what it was, but it was an unspoken calmness that each of us needed in our lives at that time. 

Ghegorie

He then sent me Ghegorie, whose smile lights up a room. He laughs and cares, he loves and jokes. He makes you feel wanted

 and loves to mess with you.

Armenia

He also sent me Armenia, who came to me unexpectedly at the end. Through tears we bonded, as I held her close. Her story is heartbreaking, but she's a fighter. She's strong and has a radiance about her. 

God also broke my stubborn heart and opened it to a new set of people. I not only did not want to go on this trip

because I was scared of another heart break, but I did not know anyone on this trip. This year has been hard for me and I knew that I would not have anyone to take care of me like Brennan does. Well, God laughed at that. He gave me Rileigh, Grace, and Liz. Before I knew it, when we were going to our rooms at the orphanage, Rileigh tapped my arm and asked me if I wanted to be with her, Grace, and Liz. I agreed, not because I knew them well or was excited to get close to them, but because I had no other place to go.

Man, does God work in amazing ways. 

God allowed me to step into the presence of three of the most caring, open-hearted people I know. 

Rileigh

Rileigh. I knew her from classes and our senior project, but living beside her and getting to see her serve was something else. She never failed to light up the room with her bright smile and contagious laughter. She was honest, loving, and was the reason I was able to be roommates with these three girls. She called me mother (which is one of my favorite names) and was the best daughter I could have. 

Grace. I knew of her, and let me tell you-I always wanted to know her. On campus, I thought she was this amazing, outgoing personality that would never be friends with me. Wow, she is so much more than that. She is a kind, gentle spirit who loves with her whole being. She makes you laugh, is not afraid to be vulnerable, and listens well. I knew that Grace always had my back if I was overwhelmed or needed a place to vent. She was able to smile through the good times and cry through the hard. I am so thankful that our friendship grew throughout this trip. 

Grace

Liz and Nicu

Liz. Again, I knew of her, and knew she could sing like no other. Through this trip, I got to experience who she was as a person and see her love for kids shine bright. Her relationship with Nicu was one of the most admirable things about her. She loved that kid with her whole being and poured every ounce of her heart into him. 

Although we went to Romania to serve the kids, these three served me in ways that they do not know. They allowed me to open up, to be myself, and to enjoy my time in Romania, even though I was dreading going there. 

Romania, thank you. You made me cry and you made me laugh. You gave me new friends in a different country and allowed me to grow relationships with my team

. The children there have my whole being, thank you for taking a piece of me. And thank you God, for pushing me somewhere I did not want to go, to show me that the best of friends have been right beside me all along.

"Here I am God, send me."

I'm in that stage of life that I am questioning God. 

I ask him, Lord, why? Why did you have to change my plans? 

I thought I'd be content in an office, all day, were I can get my piece and quiet and see clients when it is up to me. 

I thought I would be at Grace for five years, in my Christian bubble, so I did not have to deal with what I dealt with at Penn. The views of others against me. The feeling of being the odd one out weighing heavy on my shoulders. 

God... why must you push me outside of my comfort zone? And why, why do you make me so excited to do so? 

Lately, that dreaded future question has been asked by many, mostly my own head. I think to myself... what's next? What do you want to do with your life? And when I think this, I only have one, simple answer. 

I want to change the lives of children. 

That is it. Plain and simple. 

But God has shown me that my "plain and simple" plan is not what he wanted. 

I am not going to sit in an office, waiting for my perfectly scheduled clients to come in. 

I am going to sit in a school. I am going to be present in the lives of the children for eight hours a day, five days a week, not one hour for one day. I am going to deal with little problems like a hurt feelings to big problems, like a student who has bruises from head to toe. I am going to get children coming in and out of my door, no schedules attached. I am going to get behavioral, emotional, spiritual, and relational problems. I am going to get students who are categorized as ADD, ADHD, OCD, ODD, and more. Then, I will get kids who are categorized as "normal" and are the ones who need me the most. 

I am not going to stay in my Grace bubble. I am not going to stay in a close-knit community, because that's not why God brought me here in the first place. God did not bring me to Grace to stay at Grace. He brought me to Grace to learn. To learn from my friends how to be a better, Christ-centered, encourager. To learn from my professors how to take my passion that God has given me and bring it to a world that is so broken that they tremble at the mention of God's name. To learn that I am more than I believe. Grace has taught me understand my imperfections and to love on and care for the least of these. Grace has taught me how to stand firm in my faith, even when the world is running at me.

God changed my plans. He showed me that I was not formed to be a counselor. I am not one to sit still, in an office. I am created to interact with students each and every day. I am created to be apart of their lives, to be their constant. And to do this, I need to step out of my Grace College bubble and proclaim, "Here I am God, send me." 

Life is hard

Life is hard.
Really, really hard.

As an optimist, I feel like this is one thing that I do not like to admit. I do not like to think that life is throwing more at me than I can handle. I do not like to be upset, but instead I like to encourage. But lately, I have realized more than ever before that life is hard. Its as simple as that.

Seeing your friends hurt is hard.
The unknown is hard.
Losing a friend is hard.
Having anxiety is hard.
Knowing that there is evil and despair in the world is hard, especially when I know it impacts people near my heart.

I want to fix every situation that I listed above. But I can't.

I cannot fix everything that my friends are going through. I cannot "heal" them, I cannot prevent them for getting hurt. But I can love them," When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Blidad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him." Job 2:11. It has been a hard year because I've seen some of my closest friends go through the worst times of their lives, but I know that, if I do as Job's friends, I can do what God expects of me. I can sympathize and comfort my friends. I can be with them in their pain and needs. I do not have to fix the situation they are in, but I do have to love them. 

I cannot fix the unknown. Being engaged is scary, frightening. Brennan and I have no clue as to what is to come in our future, and as an intense planner, that is the scariest thing I can face. But God could care less that the future is unknown to me, because I am commanded to trust in Him, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. Although the future is unknown, my God is all knowing.

I cannot fix that I lost a friend. Now, this one is hard to write about, because I am not writing this to hurt this person by any means. But losing someone close to you is one of the hardest things I have had to go through. With tears in my eyes, I can tell you that it hurts, even if you act like its okay. But, although I lost this person, I will continue to love them. I will continue to pray for them. I will continue to live my life, awaiting for their return. "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Matthew 5:44. Although I do not view this individual as my enemy by any means, I have learned to acknowledge that what happened hurts, I feel it deep in my heart every day. But, I know that if I continue to love them and pray for them, God will provide.

I cannot fix my anxiety. Last week, I posted a picture about how I was slowly overcoming my anxiety. After the picture, I have had many confrontations with my anxiety and have had to acknowledge that even though it has gotten better, it is not gone. I have had to realize that things scare me, that interacting with people, even my closest friends, petrifies me sometimes. But, I have had to remember that I cannot rely on just my own doings to overcome my anxiety and that God has given me this trial to better love on others who face it as well. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. God reminds me that anxiety is something that I should not have to face, but since I do, I need to remind myself every single day to give it to Him.

I cannot change the evil in the world. And for someone who wants to change the world, this is a hard one to swallow. As a kid, my brother would always tell me I couldn't change everyone, in which I responded, "If I change one persons life, that will make me happy." I long to find that inspiration again. Lately I have seen evil sweep through the life of my friends and have been reminded of the evil that is taking place in Nicaragua and effecting children of the wonderful God. Satan's one goal is to steal, kill, and destroy. He creates evil to destroy our lives. He feeds us lies about ourselves that we hold onto and believe so deeply that we cannot think differently. He dumps kids into situations where they have to wonder whether or not they will eat that day. When I think of that, my heart sinks and I want to weep. Why? Why do those beautiful kids have to suffer? Why do I have to watch my friends believe lies about themselves that make them question their worth. Why? I cannot fix the evil, but I can put on my full armor of God and face the world, showing them what is good and pure, "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints." Ephesians 6:10-18.

Life is hard.
But I will not let it defeat me.

I choose to put on my full armor of God and show the world the good in each day. I choose to stand against the evil, against the lies, against the hurt, and against the unknown in the name of my great God.

Why Crossfit?

    I find that when something is strange to people, they are quick to question that thing. They wonder why a person would participate in that activity, hang out with those people, put their body through that. I feel like one of those things is Crossfit. When I tell people I Crossfit, I get a confused look for one of two reasons: either they have no clue what it is or they have no clue why someone would put themselves through it. As I have begun to think more about Crossfit, I think about why I do it. Why do I put my body through an intense workout to "be healthy", but in all actuality just feel more sore the next day. Why do I force myself to not eat that dessert that is staring at me in the face, when I should "love life and my body and do what I want." Why do I put myself through the constant early mornings and burpees after burpess (I really don't like burpees), just to what? Say I Crossfit? 

No, I Crossfit because... 

 It makes me feel strong. Never in my life have I felt like I could do the things that my mom or sister can do. But now, I know that I am almost there and I can see my strength increasing. 

It makes me feel healthy. Ever since my grandfather passed away from Alzheimer's and I did extensive research, I released that a key to not getting Alzheimer's is to workout and eat healthy. The thought of getting Alzheimer's is always in the back of my head, and I never want it to become a reality for me or my family. 

 It makes me apart of a community. Although Grace is awesome, I will not always be in college or in this community. Crossfit's community is one of inspiration, encouragement, optimism, health, love, and family. I am constantly inspired by each and every athlete that I work out besides. Their abilities to push through the workout and lift that bar that is 5 pounds heavier than last week makes me inspired to keep pushing my self. I am constantly encouraged. My favorite part of Crossfit is that the last place finisher gets more cheers than the first. No matter who you are or where you finish, when you are with Crossfitters, you will feel like you won the Crossfit games. There is optimism... okay this one is not always true. But, there is optimism from others towards you. Everyone always believes the best in you, even if you do not believe the best in yourself. There is health, everywhere. The goal for each individual is to get healthier, all for different reasons. There is love. No matter how much an individual complains, the love for Crossfit is always there. Love for the workouts, the pain, and the people. Lastly, there is family. I can say that the greatest of my friendships have come from Crossfit, including my beautiful Crossfit suite mate who constantly encourages me and inspires me. The family atmosphere of Crossfit shows me that I am never alone, but I will always have a family to be with me. 

It makes my mental state better. It shows my mental state that I can, even when I think I can't. Before Crossfit, I never believed that I would be able to lift more than a 35 pound bar, but Crossfit has let me physically prove that I can to my mental state. 

It provided me with consciousness of what I put into my body. Having my mother be who she is, I always knew that I should eat healthy, but before I continuously Crossfitted, I was unaware of how it affected me. Crossfit and good nutrition combined showed me how much they both effect my life. Good food mixed with a killer workout allows me to pursue my day with open arms and allows me to do all that I need to in order to accomplish my goals. 

Crossfit makes me confident. This is the hardest part for me. Confidence is not easy, I am timid in many situations and I have never fully loved my body. Because of Crossfit, I was able to go shopping without crying for the first time in eight years. For eight years, every time that I would shop, I would end up in tears, distraught with what I saw in the mirror. I was not happy, despite the encouraging words of others around me. I was dissatisfied with each part of me. After a summer full of Crossfit, I was able to go into a changing room, look in the mirror, and smile. 

Lastly, Crossfit makes this verse come true, "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." I must fully honor God with all I do, and Crossfit helps me with that in every way, shape, or form. 

Dear Freshman Year

Dear Freshman Year,
     Thank you for making it hard for me to want to go back home. At the beginning of the year, I did not want to leave home at all. I did not want to move away from all I knew to live with a complete stranger, on a hall with people I did not know, in an unfamiliar city an hour away from my mom and dad, just to go to school. I was scared to be away from my family this long. I never did well being on my own, I was not ready to adjust to a place without them. I had no clue who I was going to have to live with for an entire year and whether or not they would be able to handle me at my worst or my best. I did not know how I was going to navigate myself around this school or this city that I was completely unfamiliar with. And I did not know how my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health would hold up after the year that I just went through.
 
    But freshman year, thank you for proving me wrong. Thank you for making the transition home so difficult.

Thank you, freshman year, for my roommate. I cannot explain how blessed I am to have someone that makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, challenges my soul, and every thing in between. When I look at who I was at the beginning of this year compared to now, I am positive that I would not have made it as well as I have without her.

Karly has taught me many things throughout this year that I will take with me on every adventure I embark in life. From our soulful to bedtime talks, I am going to miss having someone to come back and unwind with everyday for the three months over the summer. God knew what He was doing when He blessed me with this beautiful soul as a roommate. He knew that I needed someone who would quickly understand how I operate and would know how to handle me in every situation, and I am glad that Karly was the one for the job.

Thank you, freshman year, for my hall mates, this year would not be what it was without them. From five hour Just Dance parties, to riding in the trunk, to doing homework together, these girls have made my first year of college unforgettable. These girls have helped push me out of my comfort zone and do things that I would never have done on my own. They have challenged me spiritually, helping me grow and have a better relationship in Christ. But most importantly, they were some of the first people to show me what a true, Christ-centered friendship looks like. They showed me that a true friendship is one where you are vulnerable, you share everything, and you are open to be yourself. These girls are some of the first people that I have been able to be open and honest with about life and I am honored to have met each and every one of them. To think that next year when I move in, they will not all be on the same hall, and some not even at the same school, brings tears to my eyes. But I know that the friendships that have been built in just under a year are the ones that will last a lifetime.

Thank you, freshman year, for all of the other wonderful people that I have met on campus. It is incredible to have a place that I can walk across campus and see so many friendly faces. Although I could name many people, I thank you for two in particular. Thank you for blessing me with Ellie and Brandon. I have never met a person like Ellie, she is so beautiful inside and out. Ellie has been there to cheer me on and shown me a beautiful and positive outlook on life. Her dependence on the Lord is something I admire and I am blessed to have met someone who not only cheers me on when she finds out about my major accomplishments, but pushes me to pursue God without even realizing it.

Thank you, freshman year, for allowing me to meet Brandon. I never thought it was possible to meet someone that was so much like me in life, yet I enjoy so much. Brandon was there for my first college meltdown to our many Martins trips. He was one of the first people at Grace that I emptied out my life to and was able to talk to without worry of who else was going to hear about it. Although we act like enemies, thank you freshman year for giving me such an amazing friend that will handle me in every situation.

Thank you, freshman year, for allowing me to keep in touch with old friends. When I left high school, I was thrilled to leave the drama and everyone that came with it, but I was not to happy about leaving two of the most important people in my life. When you move four hours away, you realize that living five minutes from your best friend for seven years is a big blessing. Honestly, I did not know how I was going to leave Taylor. She had picked me up and set me back on the path I needed to be on throughout the entire course of senior year. Without her, I do not believe that I would have made it out as put together as I did. To think that I had to leave her was something that I never wanted to do. But, thank you freshman year, for allowing me to be able to keep in touch and see her. I am thankful to have such an unbreakable bond with someone. I am thankful that on the worst days, when no one else would understand, all I had to do was text her. Thank you, freshman year, for also allowing me to keep Brennan in my life. There is not enough room here to explain everything about Brennan and I, but to say that I am thankful that I have him in my life and with me at Grace is just the start of it. That boy knows how to handle me, and man is that hard. I thank you for allowing him to step foot back in my life, despite the controversies that came with it. I thank you that I am able to not only have walked through high school with him, but college as well. Thank you, freshman year, for allowing me to keep my best friend while I made new ones. Brennan helped me through college even when I thought I could do it without him. He helped me realize that I can, in fact, make it through the homework assignment staring me down and that I deserve a break every now and then. But most importantly, Brennan has taught me how to start caring for me. After moving into college, I have started to realize how important it is to take care of me and my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, not just everyone else. And I could not be more thankful towards Brennan for walking me through that and allowing me to see how to do that.

Thank you, freshman year, for all the opportunities that I have had on and off campus to serve this community. I think one of the hardest things for me to do when leaving home was leaving dance and poms. These two things took up so much of my life, I did not know how I was going to function without having them. Although I miss dance every day, I am happy that college presented me with different things to occupy my time with. This year, I had the opportunity to lead two different small groups that both challenged me and brought me happiness. The first group that I led was a group of seventh grade girls at Warsaw Community Church. To say that this was way out of my comfort zone would be an understatement. I have never worked with middle schoolers before and, typically, I prefer kids under the age of ten. But, I knew that, for what I wanted to do in the future, I needed to be able to work with this age group as

well. I could not have been more blessed to be put with the girls that I was with this school year. They made me laugh, asked challenging questions about their faith, and most importantly showed me that I can, in fact, work with middle schoolers. Although I will not be returning next year because of other commitments, I am blessed to have had this opportunity that showed me what I can do. The second group that I volunteered with was right in my comfort zone. I was able to co-lead the first grade group with a SERVE team at grace called sisters mentoring with a mission. This team, first off, is simply amazing. This team allows us to go into a public school in the area and talk about Jesus to these girls. Next, my girls absolutely challenged me as well as made my week better every Thursday. I could go on and on with stories about them, and if you would like to hear more than I put here- please ask! I am blessed to have been able to work with them in their first year in this program and the years
to follow, as I will be the second grade leader next year. Although crazy and unpredictable, these girls truly understood and asked questions about God that even, at age nineteen, I have never thought about. I am also blessed to announce that next year, I will be the student leader of the SMM team. I am excited to see where this journey takes me and what I will learn from this experience.

Thank you, freshman year, for blessing me with a major and professors that spark my interest. At the beginning of the year, I was a counseling major with a youth ministry minor and my first classes that I took proved to me that I made the right decision. With each class I take, I become more and more interested in the field that I picked. At times, I wish that I could stay in school forever so that I could take every class within the behavioral science program. As well as those two above, halfway through the school year I decided that I wanted to add another major labeled Bible. I believe that this major will help expand my knowledge on God's word so that I can better understand and teach others. I am excited to learn more from professors who truly care about their students and see where these majors and minor take me in the future.

Thank you, freshman year, for showing me how strong my family support system really is. I knew how blessed I was with the family that I have, but moving away from home only supported that previous knowledge. To say that my family is amazing would be a total understatement. First off, my parents. Although far away, if I needed them they were there in an instant. It was awesome to see them as often as I did and I am happy that I went to a school that is only one hour away from each of them. Next, my siblings. From coming home to see my brother and talking to him about my classes to weekly face timing with my sister, I see more and more how blessed I am to have such a close and loving family. I love that I am able to talk to them whenever I need them and lean on them through everything.

Thank you, freshman year, for showing me that I can get past hard times and face life, even when I am not at home. Even though I have such a supportive family, it is nice to know that I have the capability to face hard times on my own. It is comforting to me to know that I have the ability to face these things, but even more comforting to know that I have my family and friends when needed. Thank you, freshman year, for showing me this.

Thank you, freshman year, for challenging me. To say this year was easy would be a joke. I had to make new friends, continually step out of my comfort zone, learn to be vulnerable with complete strangers, and do all of this without my mother walking by my side. But, now I know that I can face these challenges and come through them even stronger on the other side.

But most importantly...
Thank you freshman year, for making it hard to say goodbye.

The big, the little, and everything in between

    It's crazy, isn't it? To have our entire life laid out in front of our eyes, then God just looks at you and says, "nope", and you have to move on, blind folded through whatever He is guiding you through. It is crazy, it is hard, and it is scary. This is definitely me rambling right now... but just stick with me, hopefully this will go somewhere. 

    At the end of my senior year of high school, I had a plan. That plan consisted of get through college as fast as I can, then move to Nicaragua for the rest of my life. Logical, right? Silly me, I did not think about all of the in-between; the people I would meet, the children I would serve, the information I would learn, and the opportunities that would be presented in front of me. I did not think through all the little things, because all the little things in my last year of high school blew up in my face, so I decided that I would forget about people and life as I knew it and pick up and leave. I can now hear God laughing in my face. Thinking, really? You think I am going to let you go do My work without first working on you. I constantly tried to bury all of my worries and pains into a world miles and miles away. Yes, God helped me do some amazing work there over the last couple of years, but I have come to realize He was not pleased with every aspect of my life. 

   Now we are in my first semester at Grace college. As I started life here, I thought man, these people are pretty cool, I am learning so much about what I could be doing for people here, I became connected to the local elementary... but wait. This was not suppose to happen. I now find that I am angry at God for making me realize that America isn't half that bad, that just because my life felt like it fell apart in the entire last year, does not mean that Grace is going to be the same. As my year progressed, I felt a gradual pull away from full-times mission in Nicaragua. During my intercultural ministry class, I realized that I was not even nearly equipped to go and work for God. Not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Man, was I mad at God. Not just mad, furious. How could he do this to me? How could He put a passion in my heart and then simply tear it away, just like a bandaid. When I say furious, I mean that I stopped talking to Him. I would pray my short prayers at the end of the day, blessing my family and friends, but I would then block Him out with any distractions I could find. I knew that if I wanted to settle what was unsolved in my heart, I would have to eventually have to face Him... but how could I do that now? When I was ignoring Him for what felt like the longest time. Well, let me tell you, Grace was the right choice for me, because God provides those people that poke at you to grow closer to Him. 

    That week at growth groups, our leader challenged us to have personal time with God. Seriously? If you know me, you know that I do not like to disappoint others, therefore I felt like I had to do it. Well crap. I knew I would not do it on my own soon, because every time I headed towards the place that I have my quiet time, I felt like I was going to get sick. I was worried. I was mad. I texted Brennan and asked him to help me make myself go. Eventually, with pushing from every side, I went back to God, angry but listening, even though I knew I wouldn't like what he was going to say. 

   As soon as I started praying, I was bawling. Tears were streaming down my face, I did not know what to do. In that moment, I came to the realization that God's place for me in the present is not in Nicaragua, but right were he placed me. It's crazy to see how God truly intertwines in your life. In that moment, he told me to be patient- my plan was not ready to go into action. There was to much that I was trying to plow through to get to where I wanted to be. 

  God has not stopped talking to me throughout this whole process, and this was at the beginning of January. Continually God has put people and information in my life to constantly remind me that I need to enjoy the middle ground, even if it is not what I see as "ideal." Not only this, but he has showed me that I need to work on me, be a little bit selfish, before anything else. 

   I am not quite sure why I wrote this or if it will effect anyone, but I had to write it for some reason. It is amazing to see God working through my life when I least expect it through the circumstances he presents to me. There is much more that I have learned here at school and more to say, but for now, to whoever is reading, please remember to enjoy the in-betweens in life. For me, this is the hardest part, but I have come to see that it is more than worth it.