"Here I am God, send me."

I'm in that stage of life that I am questioning God. 

I ask him, Lord, why? Why did you have to change my plans? 

I thought I'd be content in an office, all day, were I can get my piece and quiet and see clients when it is up to me. 

I thought I would be at Grace for five years, in my Christian bubble, so I did not have to deal with what I dealt with at Penn. The views of others against me. The feeling of being the odd one out weighing heavy on my shoulders. 

God... why must you push me outside of my comfort zone? And why, why do you make me so excited to do so? 

Lately, that dreaded future question has been asked by many, mostly my own head. I think to myself... what's next? What do you want to do with your life? And when I think this, I only have one, simple answer. 

I want to change the lives of children. 

That is it. Plain and simple. 

But God has shown me that my "plain and simple" plan is not what he wanted. 

I am not going to sit in an office, waiting for my perfectly scheduled clients to come in. 

I am going to sit in a school. I am going to be present in the lives of the children for eight hours a day, five days a week, not one hour for one day. I am going to deal with little problems like a hurt feelings to big problems, like a student who has bruises from head to toe. I am going to get children coming in and out of my door, no schedules attached. I am going to get behavioral, emotional, spiritual, and relational problems. I am going to get students who are categorized as ADD, ADHD, OCD, ODD, and more. Then, I will get kids who are categorized as "normal" and are the ones who need me the most. 

I am not going to stay in my Grace bubble. I am not going to stay in a close-knit community, because that's not why God brought me here in the first place. God did not bring me to Grace to stay at Grace. He brought me to Grace to learn. To learn from my friends how to be a better, Christ-centered, encourager. To learn from my professors how to take my passion that God has given me and bring it to a world that is so broken that they tremble at the mention of God's name. To learn that I am more than I believe. Grace has taught me understand my imperfections and to love on and care for the least of these. Grace has taught me how to stand firm in my faith, even when the world is running at me.

God changed my plans. He showed me that I was not formed to be a counselor. I am not one to sit still, in an office. I am created to interact with students each and every day. I am created to be apart of their lives, to be their constant. And to do this, I need to step out of my Grace College bubble and proclaim, "Here I am God, send me." 

Life is hard

Life is hard.
Really, really hard.

As an optimist, I feel like this is one thing that I do not like to admit. I do not like to think that life is throwing more at me than I can handle. I do not like to be upset, but instead I like to encourage. But lately, I have realized more than ever before that life is hard. Its as simple as that.

Seeing your friends hurt is hard.
The unknown is hard.
Losing a friend is hard.
Having anxiety is hard.
Knowing that there is evil and despair in the world is hard, especially when I know it impacts people near my heart.

I want to fix every situation that I listed above. But I can't.

I cannot fix everything that my friends are going through. I cannot "heal" them, I cannot prevent them for getting hurt. But I can love them," When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Blidad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him." Job 2:11. It has been a hard year because I've seen some of my closest friends go through the worst times of their lives, but I know that, if I do as Job's friends, I can do what God expects of me. I can sympathize and comfort my friends. I can be with them in their pain and needs. I do not have to fix the situation they are in, but I do have to love them. 

I cannot fix the unknown. Being engaged is scary, frightening. Brennan and I have no clue as to what is to come in our future, and as an intense planner, that is the scariest thing I can face. But God could care less that the future is unknown to me, because I am commanded to trust in Him, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. Although the future is unknown, my God is all knowing.

I cannot fix that I lost a friend. Now, this one is hard to write about, because I am not writing this to hurt this person by any means. But losing someone close to you is one of the hardest things I have had to go through. With tears in my eyes, I can tell you that it hurts, even if you act like its okay. But, although I lost this person, I will continue to love them. I will continue to pray for them. I will continue to live my life, awaiting for their return. "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Matthew 5:44. Although I do not view this individual as my enemy by any means, I have learned to acknowledge that what happened hurts, I feel it deep in my heart every day. But, I know that if I continue to love them and pray for them, God will provide.

I cannot fix my anxiety. Last week, I posted a picture about how I was slowly overcoming my anxiety. After the picture, I have had many confrontations with my anxiety and have had to acknowledge that even though it has gotten better, it is not gone. I have had to realize that things scare me, that interacting with people, even my closest friends, petrifies me sometimes. But, I have had to remember that I cannot rely on just my own doings to overcome my anxiety and that God has given me this trial to better love on others who face it as well. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. God reminds me that anxiety is something that I should not have to face, but since I do, I need to remind myself every single day to give it to Him.

I cannot change the evil in the world. And for someone who wants to change the world, this is a hard one to swallow. As a kid, my brother would always tell me I couldn't change everyone, in which I responded, "If I change one persons life, that will make me happy." I long to find that inspiration again. Lately I have seen evil sweep through the life of my friends and have been reminded of the evil that is taking place in Nicaragua and effecting children of the wonderful God. Satan's one goal is to steal, kill, and destroy. He creates evil to destroy our lives. He feeds us lies about ourselves that we hold onto and believe so deeply that we cannot think differently. He dumps kids into situations where they have to wonder whether or not they will eat that day. When I think of that, my heart sinks and I want to weep. Why? Why do those beautiful kids have to suffer? Why do I have to watch my friends believe lies about themselves that make them question their worth. Why? I cannot fix the evil, but I can put on my full armor of God and face the world, showing them what is good and pure, "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints." Ephesians 6:10-18.

Life is hard.
But I will not let it defeat me.

I choose to put on my full armor of God and show the world the good in each day. I choose to stand against the evil, against the lies, against the hurt, and against the unknown in the name of my great God.